the space between
i like a guy that wears cologne

would you buy cologne for a guy as a valentine’s day gift if he doesn’t already wear it?

about our date last friday

he wasn’t necessarily “pulling away” from me, he was afraid that if he told me things that aren’t necessarily flattering about himself, or his past, that i’ll bolt. he wants me to see him as “put together, well-adjusted, emotionally stable”…i told him that he had to promise me that he wouldn’t censor himself, or else he’s not being genuine about our relationship, or honest with himself and it would never work out. nothing shocks me anymore, and i don’t judge. he pinky swore.

he talked a little about how he feels he is ”sort of a mess.” how he would drink a lot and he’s too emotional sometimes, etc…he said that what he’s looking for is someone who makes him want to be a better person, and he feels like he has been since he’s been with me. 

everyone is a mess in their own way. i’m glad he’s feeling like he can be himself. i’d rather take a guy who might be a little emotional over a guy that feels absolutely nothing.

he asked me to go clothes and glasses shopping with him since he “has no idea what he’s doing.”

we made plans for valentine’s day.

we never ended up seeing the band friday night because we were too busy talking at the bar.

i texted him when i got home, as usual, and he responded with, “i can’t express to you how great a time i had with you. sleep well, sweet dreams.”

…still waiting on him to make it official.

defense mechanism

as soon as i start to feel someone pulling back from me, i do the same thing, twice as hard. if someone’s going to leave me, i want to be as far removed from them, emotionally, before they actually do it.

i just realized that’s what’s happening here. i don’t think he’s pulling back from me because he’s going to leave, it think it’s because the potential of serious vulnerability has presented itself to him and he’s retreating to protect himself.

we’re going to dinner and to see a band play tonight. i’m going to bring it up and see what his reaction/response is. i need him to feel like he can open up to me and talk to me like he did a few weeks back…i think he’s freaked himself out and he’s starting to put up a wall and mine has become twice as high. it’s starting to make me feel like we’re losing the connection we had in the beginning.

i’m way too afraid of getting into a relationship with the wrong guy [again] and it’s taking all the fun out of dating.

here’s a tip

don’t let the guy you’re dating order chinese on your iPad when you have yet to deactivate your OkCupid account.

a message notification might just pop up while you’re ordering General Tso’s.

*

[i quickly hit “dismiss,” and i’m not quite sure if he saw it or not…]

oh shoot.

i accidentally committed myself to making homemade mac and cheese for RW tonight.

*

also, his apartment was nicer than mine. the only questionable thing was the lava lamp in the kitchen :/ but at least it wasn’t in the bedroom. amiright?

aside from that, it was a typical riverwest apartment [my milwaukee followers understand]; high ceilings, wood floors, random doors all over the place, inoperable doorbells, locks that require trickery to get them unlocked. it’s painted burgundy and white, with guitars on the wall and a lot of artwork. his bathroom seriously has black marble floors and a pedestal sink. it’s way nicer than mine.

i felt oddly at home there…in that it was natural for me to be preparing dinner, pouring wine and talking about eachother’s day. it was one of those moments when you realize what you’ve gotten yourself into.

into the lair.

i’ll finally be seeing his place tomorrow night.

he asked me to “hang out and watch a movie” which has the same connotation when you’re 17 as it does when you’re 30…there will be no “watching” a movie. we will pretend we’re interested in which movie we chose, but it really doesn’t matter. [i’m on to you, RW.]

i’ll give you a full update on the contents (be it good, bad, or otherwise) of his apartment.

i’m dying to check it out.

you know you’re into someone when all the lovey stuff that comes up on tumblr or on commercials or in magazines doesn’t make you roll your eyes [or vomit a little, whatever.]

RW

i am with a guy who has every quality that’s on my list. he’s chivalrous and a gentleman. he’s thoughtful and always puts me and my needs first. he has a good education, good job and good family. he’s a grown up. he makes me feel beautiful and desired. he might be considered shy or awkward around other people, but he grabs my face and kisses me like he’s the most confident man around.

my problem is that i am far too concerned with what other people think about the guy i’m dating. a friend said that he’s “not what she expected, physically.” does that mean that he’s not attractive, or that since he doesn’t have the same features as my ex boyfriends, that’s why he’s unexpected looking? regardless, ever since i’ve been analyzing couples i’ve seen on the street or on television; trying to see if they “go” together. is one more attractive than the other? are their styles similar, or different?

i guess i just want the people closest to me to immediately think the man i’m with is great, and handsome and witty…and be infinitely excited for/with me without having to “get to know” him, which always seems to be the case with the men i get into relationships with. for whatever reason, they never seem to be the outgoing type and i feel like i have to defend or explain why i’m with them even when people aren’t necessarily saying anything against them.

i’m a thirty year old woman, concerned whether or not my friends think my boyfriend’s “cool” enough and “hot” enough.

i need to get over myself. this isn’t high school.

super, super thrilled to be going to a yoga class tonight with one of my girlfriends.
i need a swift ass-kicking, and a brutal reminder of where my head needs to be. i’m having feelings about an old relationship, and i’ve been feeling like no one is going to compare to him…although i need to be reminded of my own strength, as well as the disrespectful things he did.
he will always be the person that broke me. he might change for the length of a phone call, or a drink; maybe for a month or two. but he will always be that person who’s capable and shockingly inclined to be cruel.

super, super thrilled to be going to a yoga class tonight with one of my girlfriends.

i need a swift ass-kicking, and a brutal reminder of where my head needs to be. i’m having feelings about an old relationship, and i’ve been feeling like no one is going to compare to him…although i need to be reminded of my own strength, as well as the disrespectful things he did.

he will always be the person that broke me. he might change for the length of a phone call, or a drink; maybe for a month or two. but he will always be that person who’s capable and shockingly inclined to be cruel.